come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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