note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
