grandma shit on top of the toilet
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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