Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you didnt know i had herpes?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
