I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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