last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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