if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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