guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
