Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
