Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
