I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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