he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
