don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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