U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
