If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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