I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
