$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
