and she was petting her beer can
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
