I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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