i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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