Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
