if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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