i was born a porn star she said
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
