I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
