This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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