theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
