Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
