I cut my penus on the lid.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
