I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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