If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
