the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
