I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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