i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
