If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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