Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
