Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
