just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
