seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
