I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
