I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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