Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
this hospital has no fireball
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
