she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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