so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
