We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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