she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
