i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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