i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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