No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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