end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
