She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
