so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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